Pointless

by Jean Paul Saltire

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1.
The whole of life is pointless And I don't know what to do with it The whole of life is pointless That's the truth of it I don't know what I'm doing
2.
My name's Jean Paul Saltire, I'm angsty and tight Like a moderator on The Guardian website Hell is other people and I should know This is my father Plato Hi, I'm Karl Marx, I wrote Das Kapital This is Engels - he's my pal We're equally distributing wealth and ideals Through the medium of burger vans and meals on wheels We do good deals Philosophy - it isn't tough Come and have a go if you're Kierkegaard enough I'm Socrates, I'm for free will And a midfield wizard for Brazil This is a utilitarian and liberal My son-in-law John Stuart Mill My name's Zeno, I tore time apart and this is my sister René Descartes We thought, therefore we are, so there We'll speak in Latin cos we don't care Yeah, yeah, yeah Philosophy - it isn't tough Come and have a go if you're Kierkegaard enough Let's play Pointless - we know our stuff Everything's a game when you philosophise like us
3.
People say there's a little yellow idol To the north of Kathmandu What they don't say is I'm feeling suicidal Social media is my new glue So take a good look at my selfie My rictus smile doesn't look healthy If you look closer you'll see I'm in Kelty Near Cowdenbeath That's a metaphor for What Lies Beneath Since you ask, no I have not been to the doctor I don't like to take that route In this age of reason Am I being unreasonable To say self awareness is truth So take a good look at my selfie My rictus smile doesn't look healthy If you look closer you'll see I'm in Kelty Near Cowdenbeath That's a metaphor for What Lies Beneath Outside I'm Jean Paul Saltire Inside I hate satire Since you ask I'm down My smile's an upside down frown A tired old cliché, but true So take a good look at my selfie My rictus smile doesn't look healthy If you look closer you'll see I'm in Kelty Near Cowdenbeath
4.
Well, if I'm in an existential funk I find it helps if I get drunk I take a single malt, I reach for Jean Paul Saltire When I'm lonely Being and nothingness I will not accept anything less There are monsters nevertheless In Lochgelly and Loch Ness Everyone's acting a part No essence, no brain or heart Some of us have backbones Some of us have smart phones We're all lonely Oh, if you're looking for sympathy Or even profundity Me, me, me Oh yeah, yeah, yeah I used to have a personality But I killed him, now it's just me Now I'm just a dried husk Everything that I touch Makes me lonely
5.
Existence 03:44
Every morning my alarm goes off at the back of six and I think What the fuck is this? Every morning I join the bus queue, look out for the bus and think What the fuck is this? Every day I'm sitting in an office and all that I can think is What the fuck is this? Every day I look at Twitter, sometimes Facebook and I think What the fuck is this? Existence. What a way to live a life Existence. At least I'm not in Fife Existence. Oh, it could be much worse Existence. Call the midlife crisis nurse Every day I hear the same clichés and anecdotes and think What the fuck is this? Every day I think tonight I'll change my routine and I think What the fuck is this? Every day I think I think this every single day and I think What the fuck is this? Every night I watch a bunch of crap on T.V. and I think What the fuck is this? Existence. I've got things to buy Existence. And I don't know why Existence. At least I'm fucking trying Existence. There's no exit. Only dying Existence. Is it the same as essence? Existence. Pay the bills, learn the lessons Existence. Oh, it could be much worse. Existence. Here's another fucking verse Existence. What the fuck IS this? Existence. What the fuck is THIS? Existence. What the FUCK is this? Existence. WHAT THE FUCK is this? Could you settle an argument? Is life a lottery or a gas? You asking me? Who do you fucking think I am? ACAS? I'd like to get to know myself Before someone beats me to it I've been trying But other people have more luck They can see right through me I don't know how they do it Well I do It's obvious I don't give a fuck My social skills won't pay my bills I'm shallow with no soul All I have is pills Existence and Rock n Roll
6.
I don't need a wink From the weakest link I need a certain trophy which is smaller than you think Don't need to validate my life With children or a wife Or being 2011's best comedian in Fife All of this pales into insignificance When you ponder the ridiculous magnificence of... Na na na na na na na na na Coveted trophy When you play a role You lose a bit of soul You don't need an ambition or a mission or a goal When you know that you exist You try to make a fist Of living in convention when you just want to get pissed Try and keep a hand Don't lose your head to head If you have no exit strategy play dead Being and believing Being and deceiving Being and redeeming Being and appealing
7.
Lockdown 01:58
Lockdown, lockdown If you're losing the game And shifting the blame Don't start crying You could still push ahead Or maybe instead You could be dying Playing a blinder There's a sidewinder Behind you It's not in the bag Someon'es taken it back They're right beside you If you're rich or you're poor You won't know the score Sometimes life is a draw
8.
100 People 02:22
We asked 100 people to name as many ways to live their life by They were gripped with the fear of existence and essence No-one knows why There are people that count Every single amount Of everything But they're missing the point And they don't really count In the scheme of things There are 100 people just waiting for questions Out there somewhere And nobody knows who they are That's how they like it, they don't care We asked 100 people to give us the answers To everything And they duly obliged so we know how to live Everybody sing
9.
Nausea 02:40
Will we ever make it to the next round (Mathematically possible) I'm too damn anxious, I'm too damn down (Mathematically possible) N.A.U.S.E.A - Nausea If you like uncertainty, stick around (Mathematically possible) And watch this squirming species dig a hole in the ground (Mathematically possible) My anxiety levels and inner devils Are twisting my propriety I'm jumpy and nervous like a cat in a circus weary of society
10.
What Essence 02:36
You live your life and never stop to worry 'bout a thing Then you notice everybody suddenly dying Everything's just going wrong Will this depression last for long? And you know that Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts are gone When we took it easy and most days were much the same Time just skipped along and we got drunk again Everything just seemed OK Some bad but mostly happy days And you know that Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts are gone Keeping it meaningless What essence Feeling the feelings less What essence Keeping it meaningless What essence Don't bother looking back at the things you used to do Living for the moment and the minimum of truth When everything just seems a lie Anti depressants get you high And you know that Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts Keeping it meaningless What essence Feeling the feelings less What essence Keeping it meaningless What essence Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts are gone Most of the good cunts are gone
11.
Awry 02:11
There was a time I looked up to people Then I grew up and looked down on people Then I thought everyone was equal Except you and you and you and you Now everything's gone awry Awry, awry, awry I always thought I would acquire wisdom Or there would evolve a political system Equally distributing wealth And safeguarding your health Oh well But everything's gone awry Awry, awry, awry Now I just anti- socialise Waiting for the world to civilise I can see in your eyes That you're lost too What can we do?
12.
13.
I wake up in the morning and I feel so depressed I don't want to get out of my bed and get dressed People think I'm happy and go lucky as well Really I am miserable As miserable as hell Nah nah nah nah I can't stand self pity, self torture and self doubt I really do not know what self esteem is about Maybe I should try to get to grips with this stuff Singing silly songs about it is just not enough They lied when they said all you need is love to get by That was pretty dangerous and I'll tell you why You have to realise your insignificance too Else you'll think the world owes its existence to you

about

When Jean Paul Saltire is a contestant on Pointless, the result is...nausea.

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released May 13, 2019

Producer: Greg Moodie

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